Too Much Info

Wanna know why I don’t use FedEx unless someone puts a gun to my head?

Because they’re loaded down with buckets full of FAIL!!1

I remember when I first started using Twitter back in 2007. It was just starting to catch on as the. internet’s “next big thing,” so I said “what the hey” and created an account, despite not knowing anyone else using the micro-blogging service.

Twitter was still pretty buggy at the time because of an inherent design flaw with its message delivery system (something about not enough gerbil power). But I didn’t care. I was happy just to have something to finally replace MySpace and Facebook as my main avenues for venting.

And replace them, it did.

I rarely go on Facebook anymore and wonder why MySpace is even part of the English lexicon, since the only people that frequent the place are pedophiles and trailer-park moms who prank suicidal kids, if you believe the news.

For me – and subsequently millions of others – 140 characters or less is more than enough to get my message across, even if it means using utterly ridiculous words or poorly structured sentences. Hey, it is the internets, is it not?

So I told all my tech-savvy friends about this promising new service with the funny name, only to be laughed at.

They said Twitter would never replace MySpace and Facebook because it was too simple looking and not user-friendly.

I’ll give you the simplistic interface argument, but not user-friendly!? You just type in a few words or sentences and hit the “send” button.

Then they said Twitter didn’t have enough games to keep them interested or a way to write on other people’s walls. I said “games are for gamers” and why should I write on someone else’s wall when they can just read mine instead? It is all about ME, is it not?

Finally, they resorted to the time-honored “nobody else uses it, so why should I?” argument.

Oh you sad, short-sighted fools. Technology waits for no man (or woman), so you better keep an open mind as to everything that comes down the pipeline. Because if you don’t, you’ll be left in the dust, just like all those pedophiles and trailer-park moms…

I absolutely hate the people who shop at Walmart late at night (or during the day, for that matter) because most of them are absolutely TOO LAZY to return their shopping carts back to the return area. Instead, they just leave ‘em beside their gas-guzzling SUV or broke-down domestic sedan, light up their cancer sticks, strap in their kids in the backseat and then drive off like American Idol is on.

The shopping cart they leave behind almost always finds its way to my car door at about 100 mph, leaving a nasty door ding or clear-coat scratch. And what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing, because the Clampett gang has already bugged out of Dodge.

Thank you Walmart shoppers, for being the lazy nards that you are. I hope someone steals your hubcaps…

So my friend Chris asked me if I saw a recent post about the new Nissan Skline GT-R on the web. To make a long story short, the post said the all-wheel-drive japanese hyper-sports car was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I emailed my friend back and said “thanks, but not thanks” because I’m not interested in “sports cars” that only come with automatic transmissions, even if they do have paddle shifters.

Automatics are for old weminz and lazy drivers. If I’m buying a car, it BETTER have a manual shifter  in it, because I like to DRIVE my cars not RIDE in them.

And anyone who buys an “automatic” sports car is even lazier. Sports cars are for stomping on the gas pedal and squeeling around corners, not driving Miss Daisy.

I blame the automatic sports car phenomenon on the Chevy Corvette; America’s only true sports car. They’ve had automatics forever, because Americans are lazy and like to look cool, even if they’re not. Don’t believe me? Just go to any Barnes & Noble any Saturday night and look at all the posers in there with their widescreen laptops.

So what have we learned here today, kiddies? “Automatics suck! Especially in sports cars.”

And don’t let me catch you drag racing your broken-down, 13-year-old Honda Civic, with rusted out fenders, down main street with an automatic transmission either. Because I’ll just point at you and laugh, and probably blog about you, as well. Posers.

So I downloaded Google’s new beta browser “Chrome” and all I have to say is “Wow!”

It’s far better than I thought it would be and more.

It’s streamlined, fast, and extremely inutitive. You need to download a copy RIGHT NOW and play with it. I’m using it type this blog entry, I’m so in love with it.

Sure Chrome isn’t as customizable as Firefox or Safari (yet), but it’s version 1 beta. And if I know Google, the company will dramatically improve the browser with every revision. Just look at Gmail, which is the greatest thing since sliced bread when it comes to personal email programs, as far as I’m concerned.

What makes me love Chrome so much, you ask? The answer is simple: simplicity.

The interface makes it a pleasure to use, because it uses tabs that actually look like folder tabs at the top. The browser window is also startingly clutter-free. Its interface is far superior to the safari interface I used to rave about, as well.

So get to downloadin’ foos, and learn what I already know: Chrome Rawks!!1

[UPDATE]: I just made Chrome my default browser on my laptop, knocking Firefox out of that spot. Not because it’s an overall better browser at this point, but simply because it’s easier to use. And I hate having to to actually think while surfing the net.

Now if Google could just do something with that ugly Microsoft-looking Chrome icon, it would be nearly perfect…

Remember when Apple instantly became a household name by airing the infamous “1984″ commercial during Super Bowl XVIII? The premise was that Microsoft had effectively become Big Brother and Apple was out to set the legions of PC lemmings free of Microsoft’s grip by offering truly user-friendly computers. To reinforce the point, a rather buxom female athlete slings a sledgehammer into a giant television screen, effectively short-circuiting Big Brother’s control.

Well, fast forward nearly a quarter century and Apple’s 1984 vision has finally come to light. People are flocking to Apple computers (as well as iPods and iPhones) like they’re going out of style and abandoning more mundane PCs like rats from a sinking ship.

Ironically, Steve Jobs & Co. almost didn’t pull the trigger on that original 1984 commercial. Company stakeholders so universally panned it during pre-screenings that Jobs seriously considered pulling the commercial altogether. But the commercial time had been bought and Apple aired the commercial just once during the Super Bowl’s third quarter.

But that’s all it took. The commercial was so sensational and profound, it’s been hailed as the greatest television commercial ever, and the rest, as they say, is history. But did that fateful turn of events truly help liberate computer users from Big Brother’s grip after all these years?

Apple, it seems, has become the new Microsoft and is starting to tick off users royally. Case in point: the new iPhone 3G. It’s the perfect phone for anyone wanting to surf the mobile web, due to its oversized touch-screen LCD and superior OSX operating system. But the Jesus phone 2.0 still has a ways to go in the user-friendliness department.

The biggest, yet simplest, example is in the phone’s inability to cut-and-paste text. That’s pure rediculousness in this day and age, but Apple says its not an important function, nor is it high on the company’s to-do-list. The iPhone faithful blindly agree.

Another obvious example Apple is becoming too big for its britches is with the company’s new MobileMe “push email” service. Apple brags that it’s just as good as Research In Motion’s legendary Blackberry push email service, but if you believe that then Dick Cheney has an oil field in Iraq he’d like to sell you.

First of all, MobileMe’s so-called push email capability doesn’t really push anything. It just periodically checks in with email servers during regular intervals. Second, MobileMe doesn’t even work half the time, with subscribers still complaining to this day about regular outages.

So what does Apple do? It chalks it up to planned downtime and says, “We So Sowee,” before calling it a day. That might have flew had it not been for the leaked internal memo from Steve Jobs himself, acknowledging MobileMe(ss) was perhaps released too early. Do you think!?

The proverbial icing on the cake happened last week, when Apple went on to acknowledge it pre-programmed a backdoor into every new iPhone allowing Apple to deactivate any software the company deemed too dangerous or unfit for owners to use.

The announcement came on the heels of the NetShare app fiasco, where Apple brass repeatedly pulled the $10 phone-as-modem app off of Apple’s online app store without any reason. If you don’t know what Phone-as-modem capability is, it allows your phone to serve as a broadband modem connection for your laptop.

Numerous iPhone users dared to openly complain and demanded the app be restored. Meanwhile, Mac lemmings defended Apple’s decision with the most idiotic of reasons, from breach of contract agreements with AT&T to Apple knows best.

JAYZUS CHRAST!!1 I think I know a better reason why Apple pulled the NetShare app: it’s called $$$.

So here we are today: Apple is now the truly hot computer company, launching innovative hardware and software seemingly every other day. But in order to stay in the black and appease company stockholders, Apple has become the Microsoft monster it once despised.

Even worse, Mac fanatics who once embraced “Think Different” don’t embrace anything anymore, except all the talking points constantly beamed out of Steve Jobs’ Reality Distortion Field.

Lucky for you, this Mac fanatic hasn’t gotten caught up in all the hype. Apple is a great company and builds great products, but they also have a responsibility to their customers, not just to the Board of Directors.

So until Apple becomes the cool Apple of old instead of the corporate sell out that it has become, I guess I’ll have to keep wielding my own 90-lb. sledgehammer around.

So Google users suffered sporadic email outages on Monday and subsequently took to the Internet to voice their belly-achin’.

All I have to say is, “Wake up STOOPID peoplez!”

Gmail is F-R-E-E, so quit your bitchin’! And definitely don’t blog on Twitter about your insignificant little problems like these knuckleheads did, because Twitter doesn’t have the greatest of track records itself.

The real problem here is that Gmail has become so ubiquitous and handy — while still maintaining a free price tag — that users have become dependent AND spoiled. Could you imagine a world where you had to rely on AOL mail or Outlook instead? Not me, because everything else SUCKS in comparison.

So if you hate Gmail so much, Mr. or Mrs. Twitterman, give up your email account and leave the server space for the rest of us.