Too Much Info

In a little more than a week, I’ll be one of the most wanted men in America. Seriously.

My current cellphone contract with Sprint will be up, meaning I’ll be floating from then on, month-to-month, on the network’s third-largest carrier, obligation-free. Let’s say that again: obligation-freeeeee.

That means I can continue to pay my crappy carrier for wireless service like I’ve been faithfully doing for the last two years. Or I can go to whatever other crappy network I choose and buy whatever IT-phone they’re offering at the moment for a somewhat-reasonable price (or not), and then be locked down for another two years under their contract instead. Ain’t life grand?

Sprint knows this, which is why they’ve already begun what I call the “second honeymoon” phase with me. Their records show my contract is nearing expiration, so they’ve begun bombarding my email, voicemail and mailbox with we-want-you-back promotions. A free ringer here, a discounted plan feature there. But ultimately nothing special beyond their crackhead-priced data plans that’s so attractive for smartphone buyers like me.

But other carriers, namely AT&T and Verizon (which I like to call SuckT&T and the Evil Red Empire, respectively), are more apt to try and woo me away. That’s because carriers make their money, not on phone sales, but rather the monthly phone plans suckers, er, subscribers like you and I pay to them each month. And getting suckers, er, subscribers to switch (called churning) is almost as important as keeping already-contracted subscribers on board. That’s because the larger your subscriber base, the larger your monthly revenue stream.

That’s why all those attractive phone prices you see in weekend newspaper ads are usually offered only to NEW subscribers, not existing ones. Don’t believe me? Try reading the fine print next time, Mr. Magoo.

That’s right. You get the pleasure of paying a HIGHER price for a phone upgrade to STAY on your existing network, while morons straight off the street pay next to nothing for the same phone. Hey, life sucks and then you pay an early termination fee.

Or, if you’re like me, you sign up on the dotted line, quietly do your time, and ultimately begin counting down the days until the next time you’ll be treated like a king…